Pathetic

That's one word that describes me too well...

The Twisted World of Avarice

Been doing some thinking. Some about money, and how this world is so wrapped around it. Avarice and greed; Mammon is too powerful of a demon for us.

My thoughts are clearly stated as this. Money can go f*ck itself. I don't care about it. Too many people make money their life. Without it they feel like they have absolutely nothing, but they are wrong. Money is not life, it is just a sad part of our life. Like what Jesus said, "Return to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and return to God what belongs God." God does not want to associate himself with money. It is something we created and have to live with now. In fact, people are starving to death and dieing of dehydration, people rob and are robbed, and people even take their own lives all for a worthless pile of paper and metal. I don't like it and I don't like how I even have to rely on it. I'm not broke or in debt or poor or anything, better off than others I'd probably say, but just the thought of money is foolish.

Meh

I was kind of depressed and pissed off today, but I feel a little better now. It's just that I feel a lot of love but not a lot of trust sometimes. I try to be a man of my word and make people trust me, but it just feels like I'm not trusted much. I don't break secrets or anything, it's not my place to tell others what they don't want others to know. It's up to them to tell who they want. But, I don't know I can't read minds.

I need a hug. :(

I've been listening to Within Temptation for a while. I really like the vocals! :)

Oh, and Danielle if you happen to read this, can we talk sometime?

Work in Progress

That's what I am. A work in progress. Finding out who I am. Learning something new everyday. I've had plenty of time to just sit and think. It's what I've been doing a lot lately. Perhaps that's why I tend to post something everyday. Because I write done some of the stuff I think about each day. Today, I've been thinking about my zombie story, a fantasy story thing I've been coming up with and the usual; the confusion in my life about someone. Then I suppose there are other things that don't come to mind right away, but those ones stick out, probably because I was reading The Hunger Games (which I finished!) most of my day today.

Bleh.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

There is a light at the end of a dark tunnel, but what is this light? I think of it as a fire. A fire you build. If you stop building it, then it will burn itself out and when your time comes you will be lost. You must contiune to put wood on this fire. You must keep this fire burning, you must stay strong, you must stay faithful. If not, then you will be gone.

i hope

Perhaps talking will help,
but it could make it worse.
I just don't want anyone to get hurt,
but I think we're beyond that point.

:(

confused,
me

Love....

is like a gun. A gun is not wicked, it is how the one utilizing it that makes it wicked. Much like how love is good, but it is how we use love that can cause problems.

I'm new to this and already I'm causing my own problems. :\

My Thoughts of Alcohol

I have never tried alcohol, so this post comes from one's view of this substance.

I was asked one time why I don't drink. I told him that I didn't know. Which is partially true, but I think I have a pretty good understanding why I don't. I look back on that time, and I wish I would have said what I'm about to say now.

This is what I would have told him:

"What's the point? What good has come out of alcohol? I know more people who drink than I know people who don't. Is it really that amazing? I see myself as a very curious fellow, but this is one thing I can live without trying. I think. Then there's this thing that I've heard be called "a buzz," this good feeling you get when you drink. Is that why people drink? I ask a lot of questions that I could probably answer myself if I tried it, but that would only be my opinion. I think others drink for different reasons.

Another reason has to do with my religion. In the Bible it labels drunkeness as being a grave sin. That's just drunkeness, so just drinking a little probably isn't bad, but whether drunkeness is a bad sin or not, I still think it's a bad thing. Even over indulging in alchol has to be bad. Isn't that considered gluttony? And isn't gluttony one of the seven deadly sins? I think it is. One more thing. Your body is the temple of God. You should take care of it and not poison it with such things.

Finally, my last reason is it's effects on the mind. Getting so bad that you lose control of your actions, and can't remember what you did the night before. That sounds terrible to me, but to others it sounds like a good time. People who get behind the wheel of a vehicle who think they are fine to drive and end up getting in a wreck killing a whole family and themself. Sure, that doesn't happen all the time, but I think it happens often enough to make it a serious thing. Why do this to yourself? I just don't understand."

That is what I think about alcohol. And I realize most of it deals with over indulging in it though.
I don't know why I had the urge to post this.

Roses Don't Grow in the Fall.

In the middle of a vast and endless desert stands a boy all alone except for the tiny grains of sand wrapped around his feet. The boy bends over and scoops up a handful of sand. This makes the boy very happy, but not for long. As time moves on, the sand is slowly falling through the cracks between his fingers. He can do nothing but watch. With a saddened look on his face, the last grain of sand fall back to the ground where it was originally picked up. This boy continues to pick up the sand hoping it will stay there, but it falls right back through to the ground where it was once picked up. ...

Currently, this is how I feel, and I don't know how this story will end. In the future, I will be able to finish it.

The Night

Why is it at night I seem to chance inside. It's like after the sun sets and I'm getting ready to go to bed my mind begins to race and emotions begin to flow. I don't show as much emotion as I wish I would, but inside it's different. I wish I could show people how I really think and feel sometimes, but it's tough for some reason I haven't truly discovered. Perhaps I'm afraid; self-concious of what others will think. I don't know. But the night. There's something about it that changes me, like a werewolf on the night of a full moon, but instead of once or twice a month, it seems to be every night. It's not bad or anything, it's just something that I've always experienced, and who knows, maybe this is normal for everyone.

Night, night everyone.

The Porcelain Doll

In an old, run down shop sits an old man. This very old man owns this shop and in his shop are rows upon rows of porcelain dolls. Some of the most beautiful dolls anyone has ever seen, all made by the old man for little girls to come in and buy. The best in the country and as many say, the best in the world. But sitting in the very back of the shop is a doll that has been passed up by everyone who comes. It is similar in appearance to the others, but this doll is much heavier than the rest, and no little girl wants to carry around a heavy doll. That is until a young boy ventures into the shop.

Ding. Ding.
A small little bell chimes as a lost little boy walks into a mysterious shop lined with many gorgeous porcelain dolls.
"Hello, is anyone in here?" says the little boy.
There is no reply. He decides to venture in deeper hoping to find some to help him find his way home, but as he's walking through the isles he spots something. Up ahead he see's a doll. Not just any ordinary doll. It's as if the doll is calling his name. He slowly approches it and just as he's about to pick it up, a voice comes from behind him.
"I've never had a young chap in here before. Can I help you, young sir?"
The boy is frozen in fear. He slowly turns his head around much like how an owl turns its own. He see's a scrawny old man hunched over staring at him with sagging brown eyes.
"I...I was trying to find my way home is all."
"Ah, I see, and that doll. You were about to pick it up, were you not?"
"Oh yes, it is a most beautiful one."
"I was told that all my dolls are beautiful, but why do you choose this one out of all of them?"
"Well, I don't exactly know, sir. It just seemed as if it was calling me."
There was a small pause, and then the old man goes on to say, "Mm, that was the very first doll I made, and I designed it after my first love. She had a heart of gold, and the amount of love in her was infinite."
"Then why are you selling it instead of keeping it?"
"We all have to move on, my boy."
"Oh. Well, if it's all right with you, I would like to buy it," says the boy pulling his change out of his pocket. He counts out his change and doesn't even have a tenth what the man is asking for. The boy returns his money to his pocket with a frown on his face. The old man smirks and says, "It's all right, chap. I wasn't going to except your money even if you had enough to pay for her. There is no price tag on love and I can see you love this doll very much, so go ahead and take her."
The boy flares up and with a huge smile on his face he thanks the old man. He turns around and attempts to pick up the doll, but in the process he knocks her off the shelf and she falls to the ground. Leaving a small crack on the top left side of the dolls back. As the boy's picking up the doll he first notices that the doll is a lot heavier than he expected and then he notices for a split second a yellow shine peek through the crack.
"You may find beauty on the outside, but on the inside it is usually hollow...today was not the case," says the old man to himself with a tear running down his cheek as he watches the boy carry his doll out the glass door of his shop.

Love...

...you can be so cruel sometimes.

Poetry

Good gravy, I can't believe I haven't posted these yet. The first two were inspired to me by this picture. -> http://www.flickr.com/photos/daniemariephotos/5810288492/in/photostream ^_^ The last one was inspired by a chicken egg. lol


The Seed of Life
-----------------
I start from a seed,
Planted deep inside the Dirt of Life.
I sprout and grow a few leaves.
Away I go, higher and higher I climb.

I rise to the sea of the sky,
Up above I see the Star of Christ,
Shining brightly for me to see
I have reached the end of the sea.

My limbs grow weak,
This is the end of me
But do not worry,
For I believe.

---------------------------------------------------------------

A Friend is All I Need
----------------------
Like a genocide of life,
I have survived.
I lost my friends and family,
But not my life.

What purpose is it of mine to survive?
Why wasn’t I one that has died?
Who is the one that keep me alive?
Questions I ask with no reply.

All I ask is a friend at my side.
One, who will stick with me through hardest of times.
Now I ask,
Are you the One?

---------------------------------------------------------------

The Chicken Egg
-----------------
The oval of life,
Resting so calmly in my hands.
It can not speak, hear, see, feel, or taste,
But it is alive.

It needs warmth to survive.
Warmth from it’s parent,
Much like the Sun warms you.
You need warmth to survive.

The white shell,
The barrier between life and death.
When the time comes,
It will break open and it will be reborn.

I ask you.
Have you be warmed?
Have you broken your shell?
Are you a chicken egg?

(Note: Replace "warm" and "warmth" with "love." ^_^)

Sup!

So, it's been awhile since I posted on here. Been doing some thinking and trying to spend more time with my friends while I still have it. I really need to get on with the KU application. I might call them because I think I actually applied there in April or March, so I'll check to see if I'm on the record or something. That way I won't have to pay the $30 fee again.

But recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about government stuff. Not like the war and economy stuff. No, just deeper thinking.
 I've also been think about that person I talked about in my reflection post. The one I said I love. I just don't know what to do. I think I might be getting better, but at the same time I think I might also be getting worse. I'm so confused and lost as to what to do.
And finally, I've been thinking about the letter of the alphabet I despise the most.
Well, okay, that isn't all the stuff I think about. lol There is much more.

Hm, yep, I guess that about covers it... Later

Freedom?

I've always wondered how one would go about obtaining true freedom and what freedom really is. Is the United States of America really free? I think when they say we're a free country, they mean we're an independent country. Free to make our own choices without another country making them for us. But is there more to it? I think so. I think there are three "orders" as I like to call them with a possible fourth. Now, I may just be repeating someone else's words or rephrasing them. I don't know. This is just what I came up with and I've never really heard otherwise. Also, this is very arguable, I haven't put a lot of thinking into this, so feel free to argue this. But to obtain true, pure freedom I think you need to separate yourself from these "orders."

The first order is the Government Order. The laws and rules made by the governments to keep order amongst the people. If these laws are followed then the world should be pretty peaceful place, correct? I like to think that. They make these laws defined by society themselves, which brings me to my next one.

The second order is the Society Order. We must conform to societies mores and folkways to not be shunned by everyone and be considered an outcast.

The third order is the Religion Order. People follow their religion and their religion tells them what is good and bad, right and wrong.

What do all of these have in common? It's an outside force telling you what is good and bad, right and wrong. I feel you would truly be a free person if you knew not what was good and bad. That you could do whatever you want without having guilty that you did something bad or good. A jungle man raise by himself in the jungle without no physical interaction with any other living creature except the ones he eats (if he's like that at all). What would this jungle man be like? He does not have a government, society or god telling him what to do or not to do. He should be what a true free man looks like, right? Which brings me to my last order that I don't know if should be counted or not, because I feel it is influenced by the other three orders above.

The last order is the Self Order. That little voice in the back of your head that tells you what is right and wrong. That little Jiminy Cricket on your shoulder.

I tried to explain this the best I could. It sounds a lot better in my head, I just always have a hard time putting it on paper. I've also thought about writing a book about this. Where there is a country where man (or woman) could do whatever they want on this land without any consequences. What would this land look like to you? To me it would be a chaotic land with crime everywhere and mobs trying to control everyone with fear and power. To me freedom doesn't sound all that glories. But that's just me...

An Itch That Requires Scratching

You're probably reading the title and wondering, "Is he serious? Is he really going to write about an itch he has?" No need to worry, because the itch I'm referring to is writing and the scratching is me giving it another shot. Yes, I'm starting to feel the urge to write again. Like all my hobbies, I never really stick with them that long but they always return. It hit me yesterday. I was outside mowing and it was an almost perfect setup from one of my stories. After I realized this, I started to think of ideas to use for my incomplete story. That is usually the main reason I stop writing, because I run out of ideas and questions arise that need to be answered first before I proceed. I have many other ideas for other stories I want to write someday, but I need to stay focused on one at a time. So, I think I'll do that.

I Desire More In My Life

Starting to apply at KU. I've never actually applied to go to school, so I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm trying to figure this out, on top of what I'm already going through. It's so difficult to stay focused. When I applied to Hutch I didn't really do anything. My parents and everyone pretty much did it for me. But I'll be able to get up there. I just have a feeling it will require me calling them a bunch. I feel really desperate to get up there. Why? Because I feel worthless and I'm really bored. I feel like I should be doing more with my life right now other than sitting in front of my computer screen all day. I need to get out more. I need to start my life. I need to be like a caterpiller and eat more leaves so when my time comes, I'll bloom into a beautiful butterfly someday. :) But I'm not eating any leaves right now. Just hiding underground.

I think I'll go for a walk even thought it's in the triple digit temps right now. I've been taking walks a lot more recently to clear my mind. It kind of helps.

Peace out, yo.

Oh, and a special happy birthday to a certain friend. :) You know who you are.

My Reflection

When you look in a mirror or a puddle or whatever is relfective, do you judge yourself. Sure you do. Maybe it's something simple like your hair looks messy or you have a little dirt on your cheek and you think others will think lowly of that. Either way, as soon as you lay eyes on someone you instantly judge them. Maybe they're tall/short. Maybe they're fat/skinny. It's okay, we all do it. It's just who we are. We are human. Well, the point to this post is how I see my self.
My reflection. | .noitcelfer yM

When I look in a mirror what do I see? I see a tall, scrawny, lost boy. Yes, my size bothers me. I feel weak. I wish I had bigger arms and a bigger chest. Nothing huge, just what society thinks as normal really. I have weights that I occasionally lift, but so far I haven't seen any results and I've been lifting them for quite some time. I also eat protein enriched foods all the time. But no matter, I don't care much for my physical appearance. Why? Because the body I have is a gift. A gift from God. He made this body and gave it to me. My body is special to me. One of a kind. Made especially for me to house him until my time comes and I won't need my body anymore. :) So in the long run, it really doesn't matter what's on the outside. It truly is what's on the inside. That is why I try not to judge people based on their physical appearance, but by who they are and by their actions.

Now for that lost part. This is a little off topic, but I'm going there none the less. Lately, I haven't been able to think very clearly. For about 2 months now or so my life had a pretty big change, and it's tough getting use to change. It started out pretty small, but it keeps getting worse. Like it started out a cold and slowly evolve into cancer. What changed? My spirituality and my love. I have always loved God, but recently I have grown stronger in faith. I have prayed more and talked more to the big man. For about 2 months now I've been wearing a neckless. On the neckless I have a small golden oval with the Divine Mercy picture on it and I have a small cross hanging from it too. I've wore this 24/7 in the 2 months. I shower with it on. I sleep with it on. Never once have I taken it off in the 2 months. I feel like it helps even though I know he lives in my heart and not around my neck. Now, the other change is my love. Love as in someone I strongly care about, someone I'd love to be with. Like Romeo and Juliet. I've never really felt this way. I kind of had at one time, but that was more lust than love. (I use to be a lustful person, but not anymore. I never liked that about me, but the hormones where to great. I finally was able to control my hormones a little better, and I don't look at people with such a lustful view.) I would like to tell this person how I feel, but its a little more complicated than you might think, so I will end there.

Now my question is this. Do I let people see my reflection or do I keep it on the other side? I don't know if people would still appreciate me if they knew who I was. I don't want to lose anyone. I don't want to be alone. I'm happy with my life, but I don't know how I can contain a volcano of emotions that are ready to erupt.

Keep fighting the evils of this world, my little gladiators friends. :)
                                                               
                                                                      Signed,

The Reason

So I think a couple of my friends have this, and it looks pretty cool. I don't care if no one reads this, but I have had thoughts about, well, writing my thoughts down somewhere. lol I guess this is the place to go, huh. Anyway, if you don't like what you see then leave. Someone who can't accept me for who I really am shouldn't even try to get to know me.